How they dressed
The border guards caught a boy on the beach at night.
– The jacket is German, are you a German saboteur?
He is silent.
– So, the T-shirt is Japanese, are you a Japanese spy?
– No, I’m Russian.
– And the jeans are American, are you an American resident?
– Yes, I’m Soviet.
– So, Adidas sneakers. Listen, and whose soul do you have?
– No, you won’t, I’m an atheist.
I thought she was in love not only with me, but also with literature. She even had “F.M.Dostoevsky” embroidered on her duvet cover and pillowcase. And it was amazing. I idolized her for this selfless love for literature. Much later I found out: her husband was from the FM Dostoevsky cruise ship, the linen was stolen from there.
How did they work
They turned me out of the Institute for Sociological Research, couldn’t get a job for a long time, and so they sent me to a motor depot, where the director wanted to show off a new level of scientific organization of labor. He wanted the base staff to include not only the chief engineer and chief technologist, but also a sociologist. My task was to draw up a social development plan for the next five years. The difficulty was that the base was to be liquidated in two years. It was planned to build a residential quarter in its place. Nevertheless, it was a great pleasure for the director to hear how at the meetings I was describing the wonderful future of the enterprise entrusted to him: “And in three years old wooden garages will be replaced with brick ones, the autobaz library and club will open,” I reported, looking at my papers. – In four – a shady park with a tennis court will be laid out on the territory, in five years it is planned to start building a swimming pool. The listeners were thrilled, in their thoughts transported to a beautiful and relatively near future.
It was forgotten: none of this will happen.
How the elite lived
When we got the apartment, the father-in-law came and said: horror, what low, oppressive ceilings! And I told him: yes, but I can’t even hang myself in your apartment. It’s no joke – the height is four and a half meters. You can’t reach the hook. And then he stood on the table – and please.
Father-in-law and mother-in-law have always lived like this: they did not spend on repairs. They will live for five or seven years, then at the expense of the state they are given a new one. In a new house. With new wallpaper, parquet, elevator.
When the chandeliers began to be washed in their mansions, the washers performed pirouettes like gymnasts under a circus dome. They stand on the stairs and balance.
What are you, every step is under control. Let’s say you come to another city, come to a hotel – fill out a guest card. What for? She will fall into your business. If you need to establish – with whom and when you met, where you went and whether the visit of a spy of a foreign power coincided with your stay – they will look into your case and understand: aha, the terms of stay are the same, you have to be knitted.
How they shot
The shooting gallery was repaired. They scooped up a mountain of bullets that lodged in the wooden walls. One soldier perked up with these bullets at pigeons from a slingshot. And then he shot at a pigeon, which perched on the cornice, and the bullet hit the window. This window was in the office of a large military commander.
The boss is sitting at the table, suddenly there is a ringing, glass is broken. And a bullet rolls down the carpet at his feet.
Anxiety. All were put in a gun. The opera is running, looking for a killer, ballistics specialists are calculating the trajectory – where did they shoot from?
They found a soldier, broke him on the first day, punished him.
And another case. A guy from the prosecutor’s office came to work for us. They are not allowed weapons. And they gave it to us. In the evening, having marked a new appointment with a friend, he decided to test the gun. He banged out the window. And hit the window opposite. Night, silence. And suddenly a booming shot.
He immediately humbled what he had done, roughly figured out which floor the window was on, where he hit, and ran to this house opposite. Runs up the stairs, figuring out how to neutralize the situation, and towards the guy. He told him:
– Why do not you sleep?
And that one:
– They shoot.
It turned out to be an officer. Slept with my wife. There is thunder. He finished right away. They searched, searched, did not find a bullet.
How did they drive?
What medical mechanism was used to drive the moonshine? You will never guess! An artificial heart apparatus was used. Stolen from a cardiology clinic. Luxuriously adapted for converting sugar into alcohol.
The smart ones clearly understood: it is better for fools not to show skyscrapers and shops overflowing with goods, streets crowded with every conceivable model of cars. The smart ones pondered: they will be able to maintain the standard of living and outpace the fools in a closed society due to the deficit brought from open countries, which you will not find in the USSR during the day with fire. Fools are always content with what they have, believe what they are told. (“The consumer way of life is a shame and a manifestation of vulgar philistinism.”) They can make some noise, if they are completely pinned down, but they are quick-witted. And smart screws, unite to carry on their shoulders the burden of caring for the stupid and the ignorant – that is, they get more for their labors than those who worked with sin in half eight hours and only think how to flop in front of the TV to get fucked up brain.
Translating into a public language: these creatures, due to the fact that their minds are sharper, traveled abroad supposedly to negotiate innumerable benefits for their people, and they themselves bought all the best for themselves and their children. In fact, they all perched on the back of a good-natured giant people, similar to an elephant (though it’s a disaster if he gets angry). This structure of society as a whole is fair. This is a society of embodied human dreams, when the smart gets what is owed, and the fool loses.
How they played musical instruments
It happened in Japan. The concert is about to begin. But the drummer and French horn player did not appear at the beginning of the performance.
A minute before the wave of the conductor’s baton, they come running. Both have fifteen rolls of lurex in one hand, and a hundred umbrellas in the other. Got it. After the concert they began to reproach them, but do you know what they said? “Who else, besides the Russians, can buy lurex and umbrellas, and then brilliantly play Tchaikovsky’s First Concerto?”
Another time one of ours was detained at customs with 150 turtlenecks. They ask: “Why so much?” He replies: “Do you know how many people are in our orchestra? 75. I wanted to give everyone a gift. ” – “But why 150?” – “And I am friends with two teams.”
This rascal generally did not go into his pocket for a word. In Germany he bought the magazine Der Spiegel, on the cover a portrait of Brezhnev, and instead of eyebrows – rockets. At the customs they detain: “Why do you need this magazine?” And he: “I have not been at home for a long time … I toured for six months … I saw my own face – and bought it.”
How did you compete
Abroad, at competitions, at the hotel, our athletes left the restaurant after breakfast. A waiter approached one of them and, with the words: “You forgot to take the mustard!”, Squeezed the seasoning out of the tube into his pocket. The waiter saw the boy hiding sausages in his pocket, so he took care of the mustard.
How they emigrated
I was afraid to leave. I thought: I can’t live without Russia. Without her birches. And then I look: in America, in Canada, and in general, birches grow everywhere.
Mine last year decided to go into business – flowers. I bought expensive bulbs, planted them on the site. For a year we breathed on them, wrapped them up, protected them, and by May 9 the tulips had blossomed. They picked up two baskets. Where to go? To Gorky Park, where the veterans meet. Have arrived. They hug and cry there. Well, my nurses dismissed and, well, give away these tulips for free. Both baskets were distributed. He’s still a businessman.
How they approached Lenin
– How is dad doing?
– Moving closer and closer to Lenin. He was one of those who pushed the armored cars. But I was in the crowd. The number of participants in that rally is decreasing every day. Therefore, he is getting closer and closer to the armored car and to Ilyich.